Self Improvement :Grief at Work - 7 Tips on Supporting a Colleague After a Significant Loss

By Maryanne Pope

"When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words."

- Thema Davis

If someone at your workplace has recently suffered the loss of a significant loved one and you are wondering how best to support them, here are a few suggestions:

#1) Don't try to say the "right" thing. There usually is no right thing. Just be sincere and let the person know you care. If you are going to say the standard, "I'm so sorry for your loss," then put your heart and soul into saying it - and try to look the person in the eye.

#2) Sometimes the less you say, the better. It is virtually impossible for you to know what is going on "behind the scenes" of their grieving process i.e. what they are really thinking and feeling. Due to the highly vulnerable state they may be in, staying clear of religious comments is usually a good idea.

Telling a mother that "It is God's plan" that their child just died of cancer may not go over very well, even if you have the best of intentions saying it. Same with comments such as: "He's in a better place now." Those are religious beliefs - and not everyone shares the same ones.

#3) Consider asking the person how they are doing - or what they need. And then shutting up and really listening to what their answer is. This can be difficult to do, perhaps because we get nervous and uncomfortable around a person who is clearly hurting, or maybe because we want to try to fix something that can't be fixed... and certainly not by us.

#4) Ask the person if it is okay if you mention the loved one who has passed away. Sometimes we are so worried about "not wanting to upset" someone that we deliberately avoid mentioning the person who has passed away. But this can have the opposite effect: by not mentioning the person who has passed away, it can downplay the significance of someone's loss.

#5) Send or give the person a card expressing your condolences, compassion, and concern. A simple card with the handwritten note "I'm thinking of you," can mean a great deal. It's not so much what is said in the card; it's the act of taking the time to find a suitable card, write a note and mail it or drop it off at someone's home. With today's instant communication of e-mails, texts and social media messages, a handwritten note says: "I care enough to spend more than 7 seconds on letting you know I care."

#6) Supporting someone else in their grief is NOT about you. If someone you work with has just lost their spouse in a car crash, telling them that you understand what they are going through because your 90-year old Grandpa died when you were 30, is not helpful. Oddly enough, this sort of comment happens far more often than one would hope.

Likewise, grief is not a competition. I was astounded by the number of people who said to me, shortly after my 32-year-old husband died: "It's not as bad as losing a child." Ouch. That was obviously a projection of their ideas about loss - and did far more harm than good. In fact, it was an extremely callous remark to make to a young widow who not only just lost her spouse but also the possibility of ever having a child with that spouse.

#7) Consider asking the person to go for a "Walk & Talk." If the person is open to going for a walk (either on a break from work or outside of work), this can be an opportunity for them to express - and perhaps even process - some of what they are experiencing.

There is something about being outside, physically moving and not having to look directly at someone when speaking that seems to help a person open up a bit. This can be a tremendous gift - if you are willing to listen to what they are saying versus just waiting to add your sage advice.

Maryanne Pope is the CEO of Pink Gazelle Productions and the author of the creative non-fiction book, A Widow's Awakening. For further details on A Widow's Awakening or to read Maryanne's blogs, please visit http://www.pinkgazelle.com/. To sign up to receive Maryanne's Life After Loss blog series, please visit http://www.pinkgazelle.com/contact/life-after-loss-subscription/.